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Jan. 16th, 2009

I can't believed i'm retreating back to LJ once again. And that's after a long long time.
WHich only means that something happened. Actually loads happened.

And i'll be back to puke it all out.

Believing the Crusade

Sometimes You want a perfect environment for everyone to coexist in peacefully. But thats never a reality , is it?
I realised that all this time does Running away seem to be the perfect plan .
But it also shows that once something ends like this, it will never, never be repaired.
It will become something we are trying to erase. Permanently.

I guess thats how Friendships seem to go for me the past 19 years. Ok, maybe shorter since we're unable to make friends the day we were born [ unless you count the nurses and doctors who delivered you from your mum's womb].
Once something goes insusceptibly wrong, it ends. It kinda showed that i am one whom is not willing to face obstacles and challenges and thus a runner. I like to run away.

Maybe i tried that night not to run by asking, but nope. It's a rundown . You ain't giving me the hi 5 to make it work.
It only tears the already shattered friendship apart.
Sometimes, we should just have girlfriends instead. No hassle.Just make love and thats it. I must be kidding right?

I hope i am.

Fastlanes and sturdy switches

If everyday i was blind,
I have smelled backstabbing like the strong essence of Caffine
I have tasted the sourness of Betrayal
And felt the harshness of words.

If One day that sense of Sight recovered,
I would have seen the deceit in you.
But even without it,
you have failed to conceive behind that mask.

Judging from my less frequent updates in this ever lonely blog, it is true that Life's not as troubled as it was before. That is, before everythiing cleared my head like de-fog. How i view the whole ' Relationship game' is very much focused now as-a-matter-of-fact-thank-you.  Believe me, when i say it's clear, it's like stepping out of that it's-just-me thinking process . EVerything clearly revolves around everything.

Maybe these people ain't so perfect as i thought they would be. In fact they're just as flawed as i am. Maybe even more.

There's nothing called Searching for perfection. Only more of exposing your Flaws.  I would come to see it as a fact of trying to play mind games on everyone else. Stowing that ice seems so easy after all.

Life as a Sergeant do still have it's ups and downs. Firstly you have to see your people in a whole new different light. SOmtimes it's almost impossible to draw that friends - colleagues line.
It's ups - slacking around , just enjoying every bit of randomness and dullness in the best stereo soundwaves possible.
ait's also the best phrase for you to ponder whats it's gonna be from NS onwards?

Pursue a degree in Law? Hotel Management? or just settle down to teaching?

I should wait a lil while shan't i?  I'm probably still even considering a FASS career. But that will probably be a dream on since you're already there.

Too-day, it feels like you need change.

Change isn't so much of a bad thing. But needing change everytime something unexpected comes along really makes you a coward of them all.
I'm not so much to say as a coward, but i'm really sick of confronting it. Just let it be. If it's dying then it gotta die, right?
There's no state of revival for it anymore.

Well, been trying to stay awake the whole day, to no avail. Frankly having tired myself out with affairs of the desolute, its' really hard to stay alive this days without crying on your bedsheets. As if it's not blue enough already.  Be a man, do the right thing. Fight it out.

Is steering clear the only way?

I'm trying to apparrently relive those days of the wild. And by wild means chilling out with many different friends, not believing in cliques but just being that social butterfly. Being lonely at the end of it all, but having it disappearing by the dawn of the next day.  By wild, clubbing, drnking gambling the nights out. Going drunk.  

But right now, i'm too attached to this new form of wildness. Clique. It's draining my energy.       It made me too attached to a friend like you whom i know i can eaily forget once that feeling is all used up. But clique made it hard. Bonds made it hard.

Well i'm not complaining. instead i have been playing along with it for the past months that it has me now being played under it's long sleek fingers.

Talking to Jeanette[ after a long long time] , Esther , Nicholas, Hwee Ying and KC has instilled the encourage that i so need. But in the end, that medicine still comes from you. You.   Be it you tell me why it all ended. Or i turn back Time's Clock so i will never have befriended you.

Don't go, don't go telling me you're alright
There's no room for getting uptight
Don't go saying that you're OK
When you're lonely
Baby, don't go telling me we're over
~ Hanson

Looking back of the beginning of this
And how life was
Just you and me loving all of our friends
Living life like an ocean
But now the currents slowly pulling me down
It’s getting harder to breath
It won’t be too long and I will be the one under
Can you save me from this?

Cause it’s not my time I’m not going
There’s a fear in me it’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Ooohh but I won’t go

I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had
I’m in a world that tries to take them away
Oh but I’m taking them back
Cause all of this time I' ve been just too blind to understand
What you matter to me
My friend is laughing and it’s not what we have
It’s what we believe in
~ 3 doors down.

It wasn't just over today.
It was over long ago.
When that bond between us exhaled
It's last remaining breathe
The moment you left it hanging on a thread
And the moment i know nothing i  ever do will save it .
~ SolitudeDevil

With the ending of the past 4 months of Training, the thought of relegation from any form of restriction would be fulfilled, finally.
But that haven't seemed to happen at all. Memorial came instead knocking on that door.
Who would have thought that Dejavu always seems to get the better at you, no matter how ready and prepared you are. It comes.
It injects confidence in you to ensure it's last entry into your life. But yet, it will always come back. peek-a-Boo, it says.
And thats how dejavu got me into taking my SI platoon life for granted. And now, it's coming back at me, to realise how much i have not cherish the god life, the good people there. Is it always invincible, Dejavu?

Week 3 of Unit's UIP has come to a brief close. With the final week coming closer, i'm sure the intimacy will heighten above all. Intimacy in relationship. Intimacy in actions. Reactions. Objections. Relationship being the most important factor of it all. Either Breaks you apart or brings you one step closer, to what they call Espada.
The former, has happened to me in the last few weeks. Leaving a very shattered persona hanging on a thread. I was able to stand up back on my feet with help from my close friends. If not for you, i might not have made it through it all. 

Only you have been able to see through my Defenses, my Disguises
To get through to my true self. 
Only You know throughly what I am,
Behind that seemingly untouched mask.  

To my once regarded close friend. I can only say i'm disappointed in you. You only managed to see half of who i truely don.

Resonance in it's Storm.

The world is not that small  that a crack in the once solid ground can make you fall.
It's not the deepest ravine but a hole in the ground.
Mirages occurred, illusions faltered
but growing out of it was what mattered.
Deleted, was you.
~ SolitudeDevil on Setbacks.

There's nothing more worth with Love and Friendship than Loyalty.
There's no Love without Loyalty to whatever might happen.
There's no Friendship without Loyalty to whatever fraternity out there mght be planning.
~ SOlitudeDevil on Relationships.

It takes two hands to clap,
One hand to Give,
The other to receive.
It takes chemistry to draw both at the same time.
But if only one hand reaches out and the other gone.
Only sadness bestow upon that hand. Not the one gone.
~SolitudeDevil on Relationships.

Sep. 7th, 2008

When you have no light to guide you
And no one to walk to walk beside you
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
When the night is dark and stormy
You wont have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
Sometimes when all your dreams may have seen better days
And you dont know how or why, but youve lost your way
Have no fear when your tears are fallin
I will hear your spirit callin
And I swear Ill be there come what may

cause even if we cant be together
Well be friends now and forever
And I swear that Ill be there come what may
When the night is dark and stormy
You wont have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
We all need somebody we can turn to
Someone who'll always understand
So if you feel that your soul is dyin
And you need the strength to keep tryin
Ill reach out and take your hand
~ Hanson, I'll come to you

Look through the photos once taken, it's just blissful memories surging through across the my laptop screen.  It might be just be less than a sec on that camera, but the smiles on our faces show a  smile of many wonderful memories we once had. That's why everyone of you will always be remembered.

Hanging out with Nicholas when i was down will always be a remedy for my soul. Thanks for always being there for me when i'm down, for lending out your hands to this little imp. It's always amazing no matter how down i am, it all disappears when we just relax and chill out. Letting little silences here and there heal all emotions and thoughts. Well , on a side note, talk more about Eleen to your mum. =P

Well. I've thought about it. I'm in control of my own life. I'm not going to be addicted to it. But sometimes turning to it seems the most ideal situation at points. And sometimes talking to a friend that once i could relate to well seems the ease of all my worries, but well. It could only be back then. Not now. No longer.  

Looking at that block that once housed all our fun, we'll never go back there again. But yet we'll always cherish it on and on. . .
Looking at that path we walked in the middle of the night, it will always be a process so looked forward upon, an avenue of sharing of thoughts. Thanks , my once dear close friend. Now, it's work. A name.

What's a maker of the rich?

Someone teach me how to churn in money quick. Or simply help manage my money. With how i'm managing my own accounts at the current situation, i doubt i will make it to 25. Or even be alive by then. What's with standard of living and Quality of live when i can't even apply it on to my own finances. All i know i'm on the low end of the QOL chart.

Either i'm too poor or the 7 grasses are too rich. Haha i wonder how much i will be able to save lets say * touchwood* i didn't know them? A splendid thousand hahaha. Ok lets not be so bad.

I wanna a lifestyle of the rich and famous. Help me grant it. haha. obviously not.

It's this point of time that i know that keeping those close to me that matters. Loneliness has settled in so comfortably that it's not very encouraging. Friends are very important. But so are girls. Ok i'll take that back. Friends are so much more valuable with a longer shelf life. Prove me right.

Looking through a 1 way window

DAys marches pass
As the lion's mood begins to fade
madness comes in
and destroys the initial happy fate.
Whats meant to be
is only supposed to be
but in the end
a impatient ending.

Being Posted into 8 sig seems to be a fairly good deal as explained by my SI course Commander and sergeant, but it may not necessary seem to be a good thing. Not since The place i wanna go : SI is not unreachable. But why not just deem it a dream gone wrong. But it's still gonna be weird. Not that the real operational Life sets in.

Friendship seems to be a real test for me right now. How i handle my long distance relationships seems to be showing it's results. Of simply failure.
Recent friendships also seem to be on the red line recently. Am i subconsciously just pushing myself out of all the social circles?

I'm more than sick enough of being single. Instead of wanting to fly like dovebirds in the sky, i choose to sit by that ledge alone. Is that what i'm doing?